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 The Dumped dot com articles
How You Can Avoid Bad Relationships and
Find Your One True Love
By Bryan Knight
Do you find 'decent' men boring and
'creeps' exciting?
Then you're among the majority. But,
as you've learned, creeps make for disastrous relationships.
So why are you attracted to them?
The short answer is that although you live in the 21st century, your basic
biology and psychology are still Stone Age. So you (unconsciously) look for
a 'tough guy' to protect you and your children from the sabre-toothed
tigers.
This article -- based on my four decades
as a psychotherapist and 25 years of marriage to a wonderful woman -- will
show you how to choose the right man.
Before you can choose wisely you need
to know how to avoid a bad relationship.
You may dismiss the Solution as too
simple -- or too difficult. But put it into practice and you will find your
ideal man.
The Solution is:
To listen, and
To know yourself.
Read on for the details on How
You Can Avoid Bad Relationships and Find Your One True Love.
I've explained the process under the
following headings:
-
Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
-
Nine Warning Signals
-
The Perfect Partner
-
The Solution (in detail)
-
Causes of Relationship Dissatisfaction
-
Seven Ways to Develop Self-Respect
-
Protecting Yourself From a Bad
Relationship
Five Signs of a Bad
Relationship
1. The relationship is not satisfying
to you.
2. You don't feel right about the other person.
3. You would prefer being with someone else.
4. Your self-respect is being damaged.
5. Your senses of humour are mismatched.
Perhaps you laugh at something which
doesn't even draw a smile from him. If this only happens once in a while
it is not significant.
But if you frequently find yourself
horrified at what he considers funny, or he rarely laughs when you do, watch
out. This is a major sign of incompatibility.
It does not mean that one of
you is wrong and the other is right.
It does indicate differences
in temperament and values that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to
bridge.
If you feel diminished in any way
you know you are in a bad relationship.
Examples of disrespect are:
-
your partner laughs at you,
-
sneers at your accomplishments,
-
is indifferent to your work,
-
denigrates women,
-
is unpunctual with you,
-
ignores your opinions,
-
is constantly critical,
-
is unfaithful, or
-
hits you.
 |
How
to Win Back Their Attraction!
ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! Here's what to do when you think they are no longer
attracted to you
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Are you a nice guy and still got dumped for a jerk? Learn how to be the bastard
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You know you're dissatisfied when you're
often thinking of someone else ... especially if you're making unfavourable
comparisons between the current partner and the other person.
Unfortunately, it's often the case
that in a woman's imagination the other man is a Super Guy, but in reality
he is another Creep.
And just as you don't feel right with
your current man, the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better;
that is, until you know yourself more thoroughly. Until you're aware of what
attracts you to creeps.
For instance, part of the attraction
a woman has for a man married to someone else is the excitement and danger
inherent in an illicit liaison.
And that he has already betrayed a
woman's trust.
Why would a woman be attracted to
such a man? Social biology tells us it's because historically women have
sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their babies.
The socio-biology of men tells us
that they are programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. You
might say the urge to be unfaithful is inbred. Compliant women, content to
provide sex, comfort and child-raising, were therefore preferred as
mates.
Another reason many women are drawn
to men who are not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the
conviction that "I'm nothing without a man."
And this is despite the supposed
liberation of women during recent decades.
This is not to deny the joys of being
part of a couple. But I do suggest that to enjoy a good relationship a woman
has to respect herself first and have her own distinct identity.
Gone are the days when a woman could
feel fulfilled by simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with reflected
glory of his status or achievements.
There are men who resist blind obedience
to biology. When they've chosen wisely and appropriately, they remain
faithful.
Perhaps a relationship feels bad because
you are, in the man's view, not compliant enough. Or he's bored because you
are too compliant.
When you seriously apply the Solution
to yourself you'll see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or
perhaps you are choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by
focussing on what's wrong with you.
Nine Warning Signals
1. “He’s O.K.
but...”
A nagging doubt about some particular
aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm
bells:
-
“He’s O.K. but he does lose
his temper when he drinks...”,
-
“He’s O.K. but I wish he
would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”...
-
“He’s O.K. but his super
neatness gets to me...”
-
"He's O.K. but that laugh of his can
be irritating…"
-
"He's O.K. but he's so indecisive…"
-
"He's O.K. but he's a bit too flirtatious
around other women . . ."
If the doubt arises from something
you cannot or will not tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might
be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your
desire for a “perfect” person).
2. “He’ll
change...”
No one changes unless they want to.
And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that
change, is a prescription for disaster.
3. “I’ll change” is
even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.
Despite her misgivings, one of my
clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts.
Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better
judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing
to change herself for him.
It was a waste.
Not being true to herself caused her
inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.
Subsequently, the superficial fellow
left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.
4. He or she doesn't accept your
kids.
Divorced or widowed people with children
have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult
if the man you're dating does not accept them.
This is not to say that the children
should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement
to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a
parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects
of his personality.
5. Initial excitement: “This
is the one.”
Despite (or because of) the Hollywood
myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more
likely to end in disappointment than a long-term romance.
(One of the advantages of online dating
is that you can take your time to get to know the man before meeting him
in person).
While some instant attractions go
beyond transient lust, most are doomed precisely because they are based in
superficiality.
When you get to know the person as
the complex individual he really is, you may find your attraction wanes.
Perhaps you discover that he, too,
is abusive, just like the previous men in your life. Or that he nags you
just like your mother used to.
Subconsciously that’s what attracted
you. We seek the familiar.
6. Money arguments
It is hard to reconcile contrary views
towards money. It is clear that if one of you worships money and the other
despises it, your relationship is likely to be rocky.
It’s not so much the money issue
itself, but that this difference points to the likelihood of other profound,
perhaps irreconcilable, differences in values.
7. Disdain
Run as far as you can from any lover
who treats you with disdain.
To put up with such behaviour is to
reinforce your own identity as a victim. Not only will you therefore feel
unhappy while you endure the relationship, but ultimately you'll be dumped
for an even more willing victim.
8. He’s irritable with people
in general.
This is a sign of some deep trouble
within him. Or his irritability might have a biological cause. If he takes
action (rather than making vague promises) to correct his irritability, then
your bad relationship could possibly be redeemed.
9. You are a control freak
Actually, if he enjoys being controlled,
then you’ll have a good relationship. But it’s more likely that
he will eventually resent you directing his life.
The Perfect Partner
No one is perfect. Nevertheless, an
imperfect man can
be ideal for you. Indeed, that is
precisely your task: to avoid a bad relationship you need to develop a
relationship that is good for both partners, despite your imperfections.
To this end you must ask:
What do you consider perfection?
How many or what imperfections can
you accept?
How do your own imperfections affect
the relationship?
What you consider perfect arises from
your personal set of values.
If, for instance, you are looking
to land a rich husband, then perfection in a man would presumably rest mostly
on how wealthy he is.
For his part, a man might be looking
for a so-called "trophy wife", a woman who is strikingly beautiful.
In both these examples, the superficial
nature of what constitutes perfection could lead the respective man and woman
into a relationship that would seem at the outset to be perfect.
But without other matching values,
this would ultimately be a bad relationship.
Similarly, what or how many
imperfections you are willing to accept in the other person also rests
on your values.
Most of the time you are not aware
of your values. But they exist within you like a ladder.
On the first rung are things you are
somewhat concerned about and the items rise in importance as you climb up
the ladder to those values that you hold most dear.
"Imperfection" is a label for something
you disapprove of. Which rung of the ladder most closely matches the
imperfection(s) of the other person defines how serious an impact it will
have on your relationship.
Take Alice, who always swore she could
never date, let alone marry, a man who smoked cigars. That was until she
met Larry, who owns a cigar store.
Or Janice, who is a vegan (a vegetarian
who eats only plants, not even dairy products). When she met Jim she didn't
know until their third date that he not only enjoyed dairy products but chicken
and fish, too.
Or Serena, who agreed with Luc, her
husband-to-be, that neither of them wanted to have children. But secretly
Serena did want a child and was delighted when she became pregnant.
How "good" or "bad" do you think these
relationships turned out to be?
The irony in seeking a mate is that
you may be so busy stating what you want in a man that you ignore or disparage
your own personality.
You may take no note of unique
characteristics of yours that irritate potential partners.
Conversely, you may unjustly put yourself
down as being undeserving of a good relationship.
Copyright © 1995-2006 Bryan
M. Knight, MSW, PhD.
About the author:
To discover The Solution to avoiding
a bad relationship and to finding your One True Love, ask Dr Knight for Part
Two of this article. There's no charge and you'll receive Part Two as an
email attachment.
Send your request to
drknight@hypnosis.org
Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD., is the
author of several books, including "Enjoying Single Parenthood", "The People
Paradox", and "Health and Happiness with Hypnosis".
He is Canada's foremost
hypno-psychotherapist. His pioneering website is "Hypnosis Headquarters"
at
http://hypnosis.org.
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Dumped Articles
How To Deal When You've Been
Dumped
Everyone seems to have been through
a broken heart or two. With all the practice, you'd think breakups would
become easier to deal with. Alas, being dumped is one of the crummiest situations
we mere mortals have to surmount.
You've
Been Dumped Part 1
We've all been dumped or have been
the dumpee at once time in our relationship lifetimes. The following article
is a horror story depicting the importance of breaking free if it ever happens
to you.
You've
Been Dumped Part 2 (Continued)
You've patiently waited for it. Hear
it is Part 2 of heartache. Enjoy!
When Sally
Dumped Harry
Co-ownerships of fee simple interests in land.
5 Reasons
Why You Need to Forget Your Ex
Most people take long time to forget
they ex after they have been dumped, divorce or heart broken. Keeping ex
bad memories in your mind will affect other areas of your life.
Advice On How To Cope When Your Loved
One Leaves You
I am sure that we have all been through
the nightmare of been dumped by our boyfriend or girlfriend. At times it
is something that we were expecting, however more often than not it comes
as a big shock. In this situation it is very hard to take, and in this article
I give free tips on how to cope in this situation.
How Soon
Should You Begin Dating After Getting Dumped
This is a very common problem for many
of us. Getting dumped hurts a lot. But one wants to go back to good life
as early as possible, if for nothing than to forget the earlier pain. But
since the pain remains and the thought of being hit again is overwhelming,
it becomes difficult to decide.
The
Joy Of Being Dumped!
Taking the high-road.
How To
Become Rich And Get Dumped
A very good reason to buy the worst
house on the best street for your loved half.
You've Been Dumped - Now
What
Picking up the pieces after a relationships
over. Do this constructively, to have better success next time.
Getting Through A Breakup
Without a doubt, one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking moments
in an adolescent's life is getting broken up with. It can be very tough to
cope with the feelings of rejection that come with being dumped by a loved
one.
How
to Break Up - Successfully
Breaking up is never the easiest thing
to do at the best of times, and depending on how long you have been in the
relationship, will depend on how you go about ending it.
Are You
Being Dumped?
Does it feel like your love interest
is losing interest? What are the signs that the one you want doesn't want
you? Read on to discover seven signs that indicate your partner may be
leaving.
Why Desperate
Housewives + Sex in the City= Edutainment TV Today
How many years of dating, being dumped,
sleeping around, and generally degrading yourself does it take to get a
clue?
You've
Been Dumped! Here's How to Get Over It
Left high and dry by the one you love?
Take action and move on to the happiness you deserve.
Laugh
Your Way to the Bedroom
Ready to be dumped?
The Single Man's Guide On What
To Do If Your Girlfriend Dumps You
It's a sad fact of life, but at some
point in your life you will get dumped by a girlfriend. And, no guy likes
to get dumped, especially by someone you cared for and loved. But, love is
a two-way street. Both parties have to love and nurture a relationship to
keep it alive. It's no good to be involved in a one-way relationship with
a woman that you love and she does not love you back.
The Truth
Behind Divorce & Breakups
Been in a bad relationship? Been cheated on? Been dumped? Don't let it
ruin you. Get help today.
What
to do When You Get Dumped
Break-ups in relationships are never
easy and it's worse when you are the one who gets dumped.
Got a Girlfriend? Here's How Not to
Screw It Up
Having a girlfriend can be a dangerous
thing. We become too dependent on our woman for our happiness, and then if
we get dumped, we find that we've all of a sudden lost our confidence. This
results in being without sex for many months, until we finally get a girlfriend
again, and... the cycle repeats. So to break this cycle, we need to REMAIN
the attractive guy, the alpha male. This article explains how.
3
Reasons Why Inner Game Will Help Your Love Life
Before deciding to get my `mental house`
in order, with respect to relationships, over 2 years ago my inner game was
a mess. A gorgeous, intelligent girl just dumped me, and I even considered
finding any `ole` girl, even if below my standards, and getting married just
dumped me. After all the family had pressuring me anyway. Then I got realistic
and began researching to find out where I went wrong and why I felt so low
a man. Enter Inner Game.
Being
Dumped, Just Plain Sucks!
"Being Dumped" really is one of the
worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our
lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with,
than a break-up , "Being Dumped" or rejection.
How
to Ease the Pain of a Breakup
Whether you do the dumping or you are the one who got dumped, breakups
are painful. If you initiated the breakup you may feel guilty, or question
that you made the right decision. If you were the one who got dumped you
may feel shocked, hurt, and angry. Breakups are painful for either
party.
How
To Make Hooking Up With Your "Ex" More Thrilling Than It Ever Was
Before!
Now I really have seen everything...
The other day, I saw a television show with a very curious premise: They
found a good-old Southern boy who was such a charmer, 6 of his ex-girlfriends
(some, who had been flat-out "dumped" by him) were willing to line themselves
up in front of a camera for 120 minutes, and go through various and sundry
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Second
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Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo, dumped him for being
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How Not
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This simple formula will tell you if
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once he's satisfied his curiosity.
Breaking Relationships with
Women
It is a sad fact of life, but there
will be times when you have to end a relationship. You have to make some
tough choices in life and this is one of them. It's hard to dump someone.
Personally, I'd rather have a root canal.
How
to Dump Your Girlfriend
This week I want to talk about dumping
your girlfriend. Unfortunately a lot of relationships just don't work out.
And if you find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere, it is best
to end it as quickly as possible. If you are convinced that you have lost
all your feelings for her, whatever you do, don't lead her own and stay in
the relationship just to have someone to be with or for sex.
How
to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship
Relationships are among of the most
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marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down
into the dumps. But what if you’re somewhere in the middle?
8
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Unfortunately there is no magic formula
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Here's how...
Dumped? Get
Set for a New Life
We've all either been the dumper or
dumpee at some point in our life. The following article will help you mend
yourself and move forward as a better more desirable person.
How I
Got Dumped Via AIM
Larry King once asked Stephen Hawkin
if there was anything about the universe he didn't understand. Hawkin replied
"women". That little anecdote seems to be the foundation of all my relationships
(or lack there of). |
