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 The Dumped dot com articles
How to Decide When to End a Long-term
Relationship
By Steve Pavlina
Relationships are among of the most
complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as
marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down
into the dumps.
But what if you’re somewhere
in the middle?
What if your relationship is pretty
good, like a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10? Should you stay, openly committing
to that relationship for life? Or should you leave and look for something
better, something that could become even better?
This is the dreadful state of ambivalence.
You simply aren’t sure one way or the other. Maybe what you have is
good enough and you’d be a fool to abandon it in search of a new
relationship you may never find. Or maybe you’re seriously holding yourself
back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve you well
the rest of your life. Tough call.
Fortunately, there’s an excellent
book that provides an intelligent process for overcoming relationship
ambivalence. It’s called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira
Kirshenbaum. I read this book many years ago, and it completely changed how
I think about long-term relationships.
First, the book points out the wrong
way to make this decision. The wrong way is to use a balance-scale approach,
attempting to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Of course,
that’s what everyone does. Weighing the pros and cons seems logical,
but it doesn’t provide you with the right kind of information you need
to make this decision. There will be pros and cons in every relationship,
so how do you know if yours are fatal or tolerable or even wonderful? The
cons tell you to leave, while the pros tell you to stay. Plus you’re
required to predict future pros and cons, so how are you going to predict
the future of your relationship? Who’s to say if your problems are temporary
or permanent?
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Kirshenbaum’s solution is to dump
the balance-scale approach and use a diagnostic approach instead. Diagnose
the true status of your relationship instead of trying to weigh it on a scale.
This will provide you the information you need to make an intelligent decision
and to know precisely why you’re making it. If you’re ambivalent,
it means your relationship is sick. So discovering the precise nature of
the disease seems an intelligent place to begin.
In order to perform a relationship
diagnosis, the author offers a series of 36 yes/no questions to ask yourself.
Each question is explained very thoroughly with several pages of text. In
fact, the diagnostic procedure is essentially the whole book.
Each question is like passing your
relationship through a filter. If you pass the filter, you proceed to the
next question. If you don’t pass the filter, then the recommendation
is that you end your relationship. In order to achieve the recommendation
that you should stay together, you must pass through all 36 filters. If even
one filter snags you, the recommendation is to leave.
This isn’t as brutal as it sounds
though because most of these filters will be very easy for you to pass. My
guess is that out of the 36 questions, less than a third will require much
thought. Hopefully you can pass filters like, “Does your partner beat
you?” and “Is your partner leaving the country for good without
you?” without much trouble. If not, you don’t need a book to tell
you your relationship is going downhill.
The author’s recommendations
are based on observing the post-decision experiences of multiple couples
who either stayed together or broke up after suffering from a state of
ambivalence related to one of the 36 questions. The author then watched how
those relationships turned out in the long run. Did the person making the
stay-or-leave decision feel s/he made the correct choice years later? If
the couple stayed together, did the relationship blossom into something great
or decline into resentment? And if they broke up, did they find new happiness
or experience everlasting regret over leaving?
I found this concept extremely valuable,
like being able to turn the page of time to see what might happen. The
recommendations are based on the author’s observations and her professional
opinion, so I don’t recommend you take her advice blindly. However,
I personally found all of her conclusions utterly sensible and didn’t
find any surprises. I doubt you’ll be terribly surprised to read that
a relationship with a drug user is virtually doomed to failure. But what
about a relationship with someone you don’t respect? What about a
long-distance relationship? Or a relationship with a workaholic who makes
10x your income? Would you like to know how such relationships tend to work
out if the couple stays together vs. if they break up?
Kirshenbaum explains that where a
break-up is recommended, it’s because most people who chose to stay
together in that situation were unhappy, while most people who left were
happier for it. So long-term happiness is the key criteria used, meaning
the happiness of the individual making the stay-or-leave decision, not the
(ex-)partner.
If you’re facing a “too
good to leave, too bad to stay” dilemma, I highly recommend this book.
You’ll breeze through most of the filters, but you’ll probably
hit a few that snag you and really make you think. But I recommend this book
not just for people who aren’t sure about the status of their relationship
but also those with healthy relationships who want to make it even better.
This book will help you diagnose the weak points of your relationship that
could lead to break-up and allow you to consciously attend to them.
Here are some diagnostic points from
the book you may find valuable (these are my summaries, not the author’s
exact words):
1. If God or some divine being told
you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you
could finally leave? If your religion is the only reason you’re still
together, your relationship is already long dead. Drop the self-torturing
beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your
heart isn’t going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely
to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take
off.
2. Are you able to get your needs
met in the relationship without too much difficulty? If it takes too much
effort to get your needs met, then your relationship is doing you more harm
than good. Leave.
3. Do you genuinely like your partner,
and does your partner seem to genuinely like you? If you don’t mutually
like each other, you don’t belong together.
4. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction
to your partner? If there’s no spark, there’s no point in
staying.
5. Does your partner exhibit any behavior
that makes the relationship too difficult for you to stay in, and do you
find your partner is either unwilling or incapable of changing? Results matter
far more than intentions. If your partner behaves in a way that’s
intolerable to you, then permanent change is a must, or you need to leave.
Example: “Quit smoking for good in 30 days, or I’m gone.”
Trying to tolerate the intolerable will only erode your self-esteem, and
you’ll see yourself as stronger in the past than in the present.
6. Do you see yourself when you look
in your partner’s eyes? A metaphor… if you don’t sense a strong
compatibility with your partner, you’re better off with someone
else.
7. Do you and your partner each respect
each other as individuals? No mutual respect = time to leave.
8. Does your partner serve as an important
resource for you in a way that you care about? If your partner does little
to enhance your life and you wouldn’t lose anything important to you
by leaving, then leave. You’ll break even by being on your own and gain
tremendously by finding someone else who is a resource to you.
9. Does your relationship have the
demonstrated capacity for forgiveness? If you can’t forgive each
other’s transgressions, then resentment will gradually replace love.
Leave.
10. Do you and your partner have fun
together? A relationship that’s no fun is dead. Leave.
11. Do you and your partner have mutual
goals and dreams for your future together? If you aren’t planning to
spend your future together, something’s terribly wrong. Take off.
These questions drive home the point
that a relationship should enhance your life, not drain it. At the very least,
you should be happier in the relationship than outside it. Even if a break-up
leads to a messy divorce with complex custody arrangements, Kirshenbaum points
out that in many situations, that can still lead to long-term happiness whereas
staying in a defunct relationship almost surely prevents it.
Some of the diagnostic points might
seem overly harsh in terms of recommending leaving in situations you might
find salvageable. A relationship, however, requires the effort and commitment
of both partners. One person can’t carry it alone. Even though you might
come through with a miraculous save (such as by turning around an abusive
relationship), such attempts are usually doomed to failure, and even where
they succeed, they may take such a tremendous toll that you ultimately feel
they weren’t worth the effort. You could be much happier in a new
relationship (or living alone) instead of investing so much time trying to
save a relationship that’s dragging you down. You’ll do a lot more
good giving yourself to someone who’s more receptive to what you have
to offer and who genuinely appreciates you for it. If you’re spending
your relationship fighting resistance more than sharing love, you’re
probably better off letting it go and embracing a relationship that will
provide greater mutual rewards for less work.
You may find it revealing to apply
these diagnostic questions to a broader set of human relationships, such
as your relationships with your boss and co-workers. Perhaps you can skip
the sexual attraction one… but mutual respect, fun, shared goals, tolerable
behavior, getting your needs met, etc. all apply perfectly well to
career-oriented relationships. For example, if your boss avoids you when
you try to discuss your future with the company, I’d say that’s
a very bad sign for one of you.
Don’t confuse the question of
whether or not you should leave your current relationship with how you might
find a new relationship. If it’s clear that your current relationship
should end, then end it. Once you’re on your own again, then you can
(re)develop the skills needed to attract a new partner. It’s unlikely
you’ll be in a place to assess your chances of entering a new relationship
while you’re still in one. For one, everyone around you will perceive
you as unavailable while you’re still in a relationship, so you won’t
be able to get a clear sense of where you stand until you’re free of
that.
A proper diagnosis may also convince
you that your relationship is indeed too good to leave. That situation may
last your entire life, or it may change at some point. You can’t control
all the variables. But at least you’ll have a method for deciding if
you can commit to your relationship in the present moment or if you should
be making plans to end it.
In any relationship, choose at the
very least to achieve your own happiness.
About the author:
Copyright © Steve Pavlina
Steve Pavlina
Personal Development for Smart People
http://www.stevepavlina.com
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog
(blog)
http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles
(articles)
Steve is intensely growth-oriented.
He trained in martial arts, ran the L.A. Marathon, and graduated from college
in three semesters with two degrees. He can juggle, count cards at blackjack,
and make damn good guacamole. Steve is also a polyphasic sleeper, sleeping
just 2-3 hours per day and only 20 minutes at a time. So chances are good
that he's awake right now.
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Dumped Articles
How To Deal When You've Been
Dumped
Everyone seems to have been through
a broken heart or two. With all the practice, you'd think breakups would
become easier to deal with. Alas, being dumped is one of the crummiest situations
we mere mortals have to surmount.
You've
Been Dumped Part 1
We've all been dumped or have been
the dumpee at once time in our relationship lifetimes. The following article
is a horror story depicting the importance of breaking free if it ever happens
to you.
You've
Been Dumped Part 2 (Continued)
You've patiently waited for it. Hear
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Most people take long time to forget
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One Leaves You
I am sure that we have all been through
the nightmare of been dumped by our boyfriend or girlfriend. At times it
is something that we were expecting, however more often than not it comes
as a big shock. In this situation it is very hard to take, and in this article
I give free tips on how to cope in this situation.
How Soon
Should You Begin Dating After Getting Dumped
This is a very common problem for many
of us. Getting dumped hurts a lot. But one wants to go back to good life
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Getting Through A Breakup
Without a doubt, one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking moments
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Breaking up is never the easiest thing
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Are You
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Why Desperate
Housewives + Sex in the City= Edutainment TV Today
How many years of dating, being dumped,
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Left high and dry by the one you love?
Take action and move on to the happiness you deserve.
Laugh
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The Single Man's Guide On What
To Do If Your Girlfriend Dumps You
It's a sad fact of life, but at some
point in your life you will get dumped by a girlfriend. And, no guy likes
to get dumped, especially by someone you cared for and loved. But, love is
a two-way street. Both parties have to love and nurture a relationship to
keep it alive. It's no good to be involved in a one-way relationship with
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The Truth
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Been in a bad relationship? Been cheated on? Been dumped? Don't let it
ruin you. Get help today.
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to do When You Get Dumped
Break-ups in relationships are never
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Got a Girlfriend? Here's How Not to
Screw It Up
Having a girlfriend can be a dangerous
thing. We become too dependent on our woman for our happiness, and then if
we get dumped, we find that we've all of a sudden lost our confidence. This
results in being without sex for many months, until we finally get a girlfriend
again, and... the cycle repeats. So to break this cycle, we need to REMAIN
the attractive guy, the alpha male. This article explains how.
3
Reasons Why Inner Game Will Help Your Love Life
Before deciding to get my `mental house`
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a mess. A gorgeous, intelligent girl just dumped me, and I even considered
finding any `ole` girl, even if below my standards, and getting married just
dumped me. After all the family had pressuring me anyway. Then I got realistic
and began researching to find out where I went wrong and why I felt so low
a man. Enter Inner Game.
Being
Dumped, Just Plain Sucks!
"Being Dumped" really is one of the
worst experiences, short of death that we, as humans are faced with in our
lives. They say that, death of a loved one is easier to learn to live with,
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How
to Ease the Pain of a Breakup
Whether you do the dumping or you are the one who got dumped, breakups
are painful. If you initiated the breakup you may feel guilty, or question
that you made the right decision. If you were the one who got dumped you
may feel shocked, hurt, and angry. Breakups are painful for either
party.
How
To Make Hooking Up With Your "Ex" More Thrilling Than It Ever Was
Before!
Now I really have seen everything...
The other day, I saw a television show with a very curious premise: They
found a good-old Southern boy who was such a charmer, 6 of his ex-girlfriends
(some, who had been flat-out "dumped" by him) were willing to line themselves
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once he's satisfied his curiosity.
Breaking Relationships with
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It is a sad fact of life, but there
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tough choices in life and this is one of them. It's hard to dump someone.
Personally, I'd rather have a root canal.
How
to Dump Your Girlfriend
This week I want to talk about dumping
your girlfriend. Unfortunately a lot of relationships just don't work out.
And if you find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere, it is best
to end it as quickly as possible. If you are convinced that you have lost
all your feelings for her, whatever you do, don't lead her own and stay in
the relationship just to have someone to be with or for sex.
How
to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship
Relationships are among of the most
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marriage. Your relationships can elevate you to new heights or drag you down
into the dumps. But what if you’re somewhere in the middle?
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Dumped? Get
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We've all either been the dumper or
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How I
Got Dumped Via AIM
Larry King once asked Stephen Hawkin
if there was anything about the universe he didn't understand. Hawkin replied
"women". That little anecdote seems to be the foundation of all my relationships
(or lack there of). |
